Friday, 28 September 2012

To hold on or let go..

My young sister is getting married tomorrow....For the past two weeks I have been trying to write the maid of honor speech, and still have nothing. This is puzzling because i usually have a lot to say, in fact I am the  most talkative person my friends know. So when i say i have nothing to know its bad. Every time i get the Pen to write something down, I am overwhelmed with so many emotions, i don't know whether to laugh or cry. Its not that am not happy for her....on the contrary am ecstatic that she found the love of her life and they are going to be spending the rest of their lives together. Its just that, all my life its always been sheila and I; and now that she's getting married i feel like am losing a part of me, like I only have half a heart left. Sheila (that's her name) is three years younger than I am. We look so much alike most people think we are twins. We have always shared everything together. We went to the same school, had the same hair styles, wore similar clothes, carried similar bags, slept in the same room. Its always been Sheila and I, we always said we would get married and live in the same house... It feels like only yesterday i was holding her hand to cross the road, teaching her to ride a bicycle and now she's all grown up moving on and she is going to be trusting her hand with someone else now.... If ever there was someone that can blackmail me, its her. She knows everything about me, what can i say, she is not just my sister, she is my best friend, she is my other half. Don't get me wrong, i have other siblings and i love them dearly, but being that they are way older than I am, sheila and I were closest.
 I walked her to her class room on her fist day at school, beat up anyone that bullied her, yes i used to be violent...but not anymore, i have since moved on from my Tomboy tendencies. If i started to talk about sheila, a lifetime wouldn't be enough, and yet i cant find the right words to write in the speech. I am honored that she chose me as her maid of honor, But sometimes i think maybe it should have been someone else. I have too much attachment to her to me it feels like a surgeon having to operate on his mother.
I have never known a life without Sheila, and now she's leaving me forever. I know it sounds dramatic but that's how i feel. I feel like We should have had a little more time to share my bed, because I am scared of sleeping in it alone. We should have a little more time, to gossip about my parents and siblings, a little more time to trash boys, a little more time to steal each others clothes, a little more time to fight for the bathroom, You see its too soon for me. Way too soon. To me she is and always will be my baby sister that i carried when I was three, and asked my mum if she would accept my doll in return for sheila as barter trade. I don't know how to live without her. I have avoided it for three months and now that its finally happening tomorrow, I see her pack her things and realize, its not one of those times she goes to school and comes back after three months, its forever, and my eyes well up.  Am just not ready to give up my sister yet. I know everyone tells me its going to be fine, she will come visit, and i know she will, but it will never be the same. She's never going to sleep in my bed and take my covers, or kick me all night, its never going to be the same.
Am such a mess thinking about all this but yet somewhere in my heart i know that even if am losing a part of me,  am gaining an awesome brother in-law. I know he will probably treat her nicer than i did, love her more than i do, and that gives me comfort. Am getting two for the price of one. To Sheila and Clive, I wish you nothing but the best. May you be blessed beyond measure. May your marriage be filled with Love in abundance, laughter, peace, joy and harmony.
I Love you Beyond words can express.
Tanya Love

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Facebook woes....

I recently got off face book…I used to be so attached to it I never thought a day would come and I would live without checking it out. But alas, the day finally arrived. I originally got off because there were some people I didn’t want to be relating with but for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to delete them. So I decided to do away with it all together. But after about a week of not being tempted to check it out, I realized I didn’t really miss it so I kept going another week, trying to see how far I would take it and before I knew it a month was past. I started to reflect, on my whole entire existence on face book, and how exactly it had added value to my life… I couldn’t find one… I did however come to the realization that there I was sharing a part of me with all these people that I hardly knew on a personal basis. (I had 356 friends). I remember meeting a guy and he asked me if I was related to Tanya Love, because I had told him my name was Dianne, and after I told him that was me he said; “eh you really like having fun”. This Isn’t a bad thing as I do like to have fun, but that’s not I’m all about. I started to wonder what kind of perceptions strangers had of me by just out my profile. Isn’t it amazing; the things people can find out about you from your face book? Just think about it, the status updates we write say something about us, the things we share, the photos we post they are all a revelation of a part of who we are. It got me thinking, people really take face book seriously. I mean there is more to my life than those pictures in the mall, at the beach, out in the club or whatever, and yet it doesn’t occur to these strangers that I don’t take pictures while am fixing a computer, or singing in the church choir on Sunday, or reading a book, or visiting the doctor. From my profile one could easily come up with a conclusion that I live the “diva” life as my friends call it, but what they don’t know is that I have insecurities like everyone else, I worry about being accepted socially, about being judged unfairly, the list is endless. They don’t know that I can be an emotional wreck, a hot mess; Yes I do get bad hair days, chipped nails, and uncoordinated outfits especially when am having a bad day or going through a phase, you could call it a healing process and they don’t know that I can be demanding or “complex” as some people have referred to me. Generally people who check out my profile and don’t know me on a personal level don’t know that there is a whole other side to me.  Am always telling people not to care what the world thinks and just do what they want to do and yet I can’t even take my own advice. I struggle with this every day; my vulnerabilities and weaknesses. When they look at my profile they think “wow she’s happy, she’s fun and outgoing I want to be her friend” no one sees my pain, or brokenness. So I thought to myself…people should want to be my friend after knowing who I really am, not superficial all dolled up and fancy Dianne, but also loud, crazy, insecure, paranoid Dianne. There are always two sides to every story…and I think that people should get to know me first before coming to conclusions about who I am, or what I like basing on the few pictures I post on face book. For this reason, I doubt I will be going back anytime soon, as am enjoying the intrigue that comes with when you first meet a person and they ask you if you are on face book just so they can check you out and make conclusions about who they think you are…It aint happening boo…you are gonna have to check me out in person and make a personal assessment of who I am from how I relate with you, and not by how hot I look on face book….. Now let’s see who has the courage to dare…

Friday, 14 September 2012

Learn to Dance in the mud :)

I was walking along the streets of kampala, deeply engulfed in my thoughts, earphones intact, music on loud. without a care in the world about what was going on around me. Before i knew it i had walked from kampala road to Jinja road. I noticed i had actually been walking a while when i saw two street kids playing in dirty water and they seemed too happy to think about the infections they could contract from all the germs contained in that water. I thought to myself; "these poor ignorant kids don't even know they could get sick from that" and continued to wonder if and when they fall sick, how and where do they get medical attention?.

Then, it hit me.. we take life too seriously..while I worry about having to wake up too early to go to work, fussing about what i will wear, how i need to get that new pair of shoes and how kampala has too many potholes, somewhere in kampala was a street child oblivious of their "suffering" as we would call it, but instead was choosing to play and laugh in the mud.

You see, these kids have so little but yet could care less about the sorrows of tomorrow. Whether or not they would have a meal the next day, or would get sick from the dirty water, it didn't matter, what mattered was that at that very moment, they were enjoying the fact that it had rained, and they had water to play with, choosing to smile through their demise. I was greatly inspired as i thought to myself "I could learn a lesson or two from these kids".

Lesson 1: No matter how "dirty" it looks instead of worrying about getting sick or catching a bug take time off and enjoy the simple things. Laugh and play through the mud.
Lesson 2: Life passes you by without notice when you are too busy fusing about what you think is important when you should be living every moment, taking it in and appreciating it.
Lesson 3: Its never that serious so smile through your worries

With that i will say one thing, don't sweat the small stuff infact don't even sweat the big stuff, enjoy every moment or the simple things will pass you by. And we all know its the simple things that make it all worth it
Stay blessed, be inspired
Tanya Love

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Thou shall not judge (._. )

Isn’t it amazing how easily it is for us to cast blame onto other people? Think about it, Girls blame guys, Guys blame girls, Kids blame parents, parents blame kids, Bosses blame subordinates and vice versa and the cycle continues. No one ever stops to think, I am to blame, I need to take responsibility for this. And that is the problem with the world today. No one wants to take responsibility for anything. We are all culprits, too busy blaming each other…if you think about it, if you blame me, and I blame you then we are both at fault aren’t we? That means we are equally to blame. So why is it so hard for people to take responsibility for their actions? “It wasn’t my fault” we say,” I was tempted”,” I had no choice” and the story continues…., well news flash; You always have a choice, It was your fault and when you were tempted God gave you strength to resist but your evil nature couldn’t let you pass the offer.

 We are so good at confessing other people’s sin and hiding our own…always giving one excuse or another…but you know that verse in the Bible…. Take the plank out of your eye before you can see clearly to take the speck in your neighbor’s eye. Only after you have taken responsibility for your short comings can you clearly be able to understand another's flaws.
So from today I will be taking full responsibility for my actions and the consequences that come with them. I hope you all do the same too. 
Tanya Love