Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Taking back my love

They warned me about you, but I didn't listen, they told me you were an ass, I said "he just needs to be loved", they told me you were no good, I said " I will love him anyway", they told me you're just gonna use me and leave me, I said "I will take that chance", they told me you didn't care about me, I said " you don't see what I see in him", you told me you were broken, I said, "I will love him beyond his brokenness" because that's what love does, It makes you see beyond the physical, the damage, the brokenness. It says, I see the good in you, I see the best in you, even when you fail, I will still believe in you. And so I loved you....

 I loved your broken soul, I loved you when you were happy, I loved you when you were sad, I loved you when you were sick, I loved you when you ignored me, I loved you when you were happy to hear from me. And when you stopped replying my texts, or were too busy to take my calls, I loved you even more because  my love for you is unconditional. Then, you stopped calling, stopped texting, and when I called or texted you said  you were busy, and so I gave you your space. 


I said to myself "he's going through something, but I will love him anyway" and then you avoided me some more. You stopped wanting to see me, and I guess you stopped missing me.  I tried to make excuses for why you were too "busy" to see me, "he's working too hard, He's reading too hard, He needs time to be with the boys, He needs time to be with his family" I would tell myself, and when my girlfriends asked me how you were doing, I smiled and said "everything is going just fine" I guess I badly needed to believe that all was well, and so convinced them to convince myself that it was all in my head, and we really were okay...... 


Until I met you with her, you were holding her hand, you were whispering something to her and she was smiling ever so sheepishly, you looked into her eyes, bent over and kissed her forehead for the world to see, and my world came crushing down.

I went back to the day I met you, I know that smile you were giving her, It was the same smile you had on our first date, It was the same smile you had when you said I had changed your life for the better, It was the same smile you had in the car, when you said "I love you to death, and five years from now, I will still love you" 

And so I sit here, eyes welled up in tears, I ask myself, what did I do? where did I go wrong? How could someone who brought me so much happiness now cause me so much pain? "did he want something else, was I not woman enough for you? I sit and worry because I wonder how I will face the world that warned me saying you were no good, because now the world is laughing at me saying "we told her so",  the joke is on me, for choosing to love you beyond your flaws.


"I should have seen it coming", I say to myself, the signs were all there... How did i miss them? The late night calls, the late replies, the un explainable silence, it was all there...But how could I have missed it? Maybe it's because you said you had changed and I believed you, or it was that you always assured me of your love for me. Not anymore, I have cried a river and still no answers, so not anymore. 

I cried so much it cleared my eyes and now I found a new reality, It was never me, It was always you. I gave you the best gift I could have given anyone.....MYSELF.... I gave you all my love, but you didn't want it, you wanted Miriam, Maureen, Tracy and the list goes on. So not anymore.


No it was never me....It was always you. You were the broken one, so how could you love wholly? It never was me.... It was always you. You wanted more and you didn't say it, You wanted something you didn't know how to receive. You wanted to be loved, and yet didn't know how to receive it. It was never me.... It was always you. 

Now as I sit and relive the memories we shared, I see it now. It was clear from the beginning, you were the broken one, and you needed saving, but am no savior. It was never me....it was always you. All I could have done was love you, and love you I did. I gave you all of my love, but you didn't want it. You didn't know how to receive it so I take back my love and learn to love you from a distance.  Yes am taking it back as I must bid you Adieu Mi amor , because it was never me.... It was always you.

XoXo
Tanya Love

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