Thursday, 10 October 2013

If you would dare to love and be loved...

I recently tweeted “Up early on my leave day running errands for the ex… Yap My love is unconditionalJ”; to which someone replied “does it remain love with an ex, or friendship?” Good question; I thought to myself. So I replied “there can be no friendship without love” and the person went on to apparently school me by replying “Love and friendship can’t be used conjointly with an ex because the love is either no more or still existent, friendship remains.”
I know what you’re thinking…. He has a point; A valid one at that. I however have a completely different opinion and 140 characters on twitter were not going to be enough for me to voice it. Here’s the thing, I don’t think you can be friends with someone you don’t love. Yes you can be in love with someone and not necessarily be their friend, because let’s face it the heart wants what the heart wants, but you cannot be friends with someone and not love them. It’s next to impossible. Love is the highest form of maturity. It often requires a sacrificial gift. If love doesn't require some sort of sacrifice on our part, we probably don't really love the other person at all. If there is no sacrifice in our actions, we are most likely reacting to something nice they did for us, or simply pretending to be kind to gain some control over them
I know what you’re thinking, there is no such thing as being friends with an ex, and as much as this is true for most people I have no problem whatsoever, being friends with my ex. Now don’t get me wrong am not saying we talk all night and hang out all the time, no. That would be tricky and confusing. However, just because our relationship didn't work doesn't mean we can’t be friends. Here’s why;
I am an amazing person and so is he. We just aren't amazing as a unit. For a couple of reasons that I will not indulge in, the relationship wasn't working, so we called it quits. Does that mean I stopped caring? No. Does that mean I become bitter? No. Does that mean the love went away? No. In fact I would like to say I like him much better now that we are friends because we can freely talk about stuff without worrying about the reactions that come with emotional attachment. You see, when you are dating someone, sometimes you don’t see certain things, or certain sides of people, like I know sides to my guy friends that their significant others don’t know. Why? Because guys hide a lot of stuff from girls because they are trying to protect their egos or so they can look cool or for whatever reason he doesn't want to appear weak. Whereas when you are his friend and I mean really his friend, it will be easier for him to open up to you about certain parts of him that he wouldn't want the girlfriend judging him for. Let’s face it, women are hormonal, and we specialize in turning a small situation, panicking over it and blowing it out of proportion. It is for this reason that the guy will decide to deal on his own and figure it out in a nice quiet and peaceful environment.  
Forgive my divergence, but as I was saying, you can end a relationship and not necessarily end the friendship. And we can lie to ourselves all we want, but once you love someone and I mean really love them, you won’t stop loving them just because the relationship didn't work, unless of course it was never real. Love and I mean true love, bears all things and endures all things, yes all things inclusive of failed relationship. It says “we can’t work but I love you enough to let you find happiness, even if that means being with someone else”. I see people raising eyebrows, and you can raise them all you want. The truth won’t change. Even Shakespeare in one of my favorite sonnets wrote “Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove:  O no! It is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken”.
For those who are not literati or not into literature, it simply means that if love is altered by the hardships or obstacles of life, then it was never love. It can be attraction, lust, infatuation, attachment, obsession, but not love because love bears and endures all things. It is important to understand that true love gives of itself. It’s simple really; some people make better friends than lovers. So when the relationship comes to an end, the love you have for each other doesn't. It is for this reason that I strongly believe you can break up and still be great friends. It doesn't have to be right away, because let’s face it, we all need time to work through our issues and time does heal all wounds.

 All I’m saying is, when you have cleared your head, and worked through the emotions, do learn to forgive all parties involved including yourself and find the good in the person. When you find it, being their friend isn't hard. In fact it comes naturally. You will be amazed how great friendships can be nurtured even with exes. When you find yourself genuinely caring about an ex, no hard feelings or expectations involved, willing to be their friend without wanting something in return, you my dear have found unconditional love.  I will warn you, it’s never easy, because humans don’t like to forgive, and forgiveness is the foundation of unconditional love, just as love is the foundation of any friendship. Again I will say there can be no friendship without love. In Christianity, we are called to love, the greatest commandment given to us is to love God and love our neighbor, no matter how hard it is, it’s all we are called to do, and really if you don’t love your friend, how can you love your enemy? So yes again I say, there can be no friendship without love!!!

XoXo
Tanya Love

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