Tuesday, 13 August 2013

I will Marry When I want!

So Yesterday on my way out of office, I bumped into a cousin of mine and as you can imagine, we began catching up and the conversation led to a wedding she had missed that I had attended the previous weekend. As I went on and on about how lovely the wedding was her face fell a little and I was triggered to ask what was wrong.
"People keep asking me when am getting married, and now even my boss has started hinting that I need to get married soon" she said. I laughed so hard only to realize she was staring at me puzzled, probably wondering what was so hilarious that i cracked up even harder. "I get that all the time" I replied. Which led her to asking me what I do when am asked that dreadful question. See here is the thing, I have nothing against marriage, but it has become such a duty that the thrill to even indulge is almost non existent.

 You see when you are a girl my age, and are done with school, have a job, you become prone to these types of questions. Whenever you are at a wedding its always "when is yours" or "Where is the Man in your life" or right out "when will you get married? you won't be young and beautiful forever you know"; I've had some Aunts even go a step further and try to hook me up and some of my mother's friends always hinting about their single son. It's sickening and ridiculous. There is more to me than just wifely duty. Now don't get me wrong I have nothing against marriage, but how many people really understand the dynamics of marriage before they indulge.
I happen to think it's a lot to take on, especially for the woman. It starts by losing your name, then becoming a housekeeper, friend, confidant, cook, companion; then you become a mother. And all your needs go out the door, it's all about the Hubby and the Children, have they eaten, have they slept, have they slept well, are they comfortable, are they happy and the list goes on and on. Now usually when am asked that question my response is  "When I decide to give up my identity",but really am thinking to myself, how rude!!! And how dare you ask me when am getting married without even considering my thoughts on marriage in the first place. Did I say I want to get married? I mean who said it is a must to get married, last I checked the Bible said if you can't abstain then please get married. No where does it say that If a woman is not married she will be put to death? So why does the world make all these outrageous assumptions on whether or not I should be married.
What I find even more puzzling is that the same people that pressure you into getting married will be the same that will mock you when it blossoms  goes down the drain! The way I see it there ain't no winning. It's either, "she's a failure she can't even find a man to marry her" or She's a failure she couldn't even keep her  marriage from falling apart, the man is always stepping out on her". You Just never win with these people. I have always said I would rather be single and happy, than be married and wish I were single. At least then I know it's just me rather than have someone and live as if I were single. The result is the same except one is happy, the other wishes they were happy.
Am not saying marriage is hell, and it's miserable, I have seen marriages that have blossomed, are full of love, affection and respect for each other, My parents for example, they make it look so easy. On the other hand; I have seen marriages do a 360 turn around and be the exact opposite of marital bliss. So if you have the strength, heart and courage for it, by all means; indulge. But don't make it a requirement to rectify my existence. If you want to get married, go ahead, just don't force it to be my priority.
I happen to think am enough at least for now, and I still need time to get the right frame of mind for marriage. For one it requires a lot of patience, and it's no secret that patience is not my virtue. I am however brilliant enough to know that God is still working on me before he can hand me over to be a burden to someone else. For now am still his burden till he decides otherwise.
So, I don't necessarily need a man to make me happy. Am already happy, if he can maintain my happiness well and good, we shall indulge, if he is going to come and turn my life around, take away from my happiness, then no thanks; I will not partake. I see some of you raising your eyebrows, "she's a bitter one" you say to yourself. "she will calm down". I am not about to calm down!!! I will have you know I have not lost hope in love and neither am I bitter. I just have so much respect for that covenant of God, that I will not just walk down the isle because someone proposed and I want a wedding, No. I will walk down that isle when the time is right, the feeling is right and the person is right.

 We have too many people rushing into that institution, and rushing to get out. Why? because they didn't take the time to understand the duties they were taking on. So I will not be another statistic. You see its not just about two people making promises to each other, to stay together forever. It's the man, the woman and God. YES; GOD!!! When you break that covenant, you are not just breaking a promise to your significant other, you are also betraying God's covenant. So rather than abuse God's sacred institution, until I am ready physically, emotionally and psychologically;  I will maintain my stand.
 I will get married when God decides its right, When I feel it's right and when I think he's right. Until then, am happy with the way my life is, being unmarried isn't the worst of things, and being married isn't the best of things. Whichever way my life turns out I will be happy, because I am complete in the way I was created. I am enough. You're wondering what am mumbling about? Am simply saying: I WILL MARRY WHEN I WANT!!!!

Tanya Love

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Taking back my love

They warned me about you, but I didn't listen, they told me you were an ass, I said "he just needs to be loved", they told me you were no good, I said " I will love him anyway", they told me you're just gonna use me and leave me, I said "I will take that chance", they told me you didn't care about me, I said " you don't see what I see in him", you told me you were broken, I said, "I will love him beyond his brokenness" because that's what love does, It makes you see beyond the physical, the damage, the brokenness. It says, I see the good in you, I see the best in you, even when you fail, I will still believe in you. And so I loved you....

 I loved your broken soul, I loved you when you were happy, I loved you when you were sad, I loved you when you were sick, I loved you when you ignored me, I loved you when you were happy to hear from me. And when you stopped replying my texts, or were too busy to take my calls, I loved you even more because  my love for you is unconditional. Then, you stopped calling, stopped texting, and when I called or texted you said  you were busy, and so I gave you your space. 

I said to myself "he's going through something, but I will love him anyway" and then you avoided me some more. You stopped wanting to see me, and I guess you stopped missing me.  I tried to make excuses for why you were too "busy" to see me, "he's working too hard, He's reading too hard, He needs time to be with the boys, He needs time to be with his family" I would tell myself, and when my girlfriends asked me how you were doing, I smiled and said "everything is going just fine" I guess I badly needed to believe that all was well, and so convinced them to convince myself that it was all in my head, and we really were okay...... 

Until I met you with her, you were holding her hand, you were whispering something to her and she was smiling ever so sheepishly, you looked into her eyes, bent over and kissed her forehead for the world to see, and my world came crushing down.

I went back to the day I met you, I know that smile you were giving her, It was the same smile you had on our first date, It was the same smile you had when you said I had changed your life for the better, It was the same smile you had in the car, when you said "I love you to death, and five years from now, I will still love you" 

And so I sit here, eyes welled up in tears, I ask myself, what did I do? where did I go wrong? How could someone who brought me so much happiness now cause me so much pain? "did he want something else, was I not woman enough for you? I sit and worry because I wonder how I will face the world that warned me saying you were no good, because now the world is laughing at me saying "we told her so",  the joke is on me, for choosing to love you beyond your flaws.

"I should have seen it coming", I say to myself, the signs were all there... How did i miss them? The late night calls, the late replies, the un explainable silence, it was all there...But how could I have missed it? Maybe it's because you said you had changed and I believed you, or it was that you always assured me of your love for me. Not anymore, I have cried a river and still no answers, so not anymore. 

I cried so much it cleared my eyes and now I found a new reality, It was never me, It was always you. I gave you the best gift I could have given anyone.....MYSELF.... I gave you all my love, but you didn't want it, you wanted Miriam, Maureen, Tracy and the list goes on. So not anymore.

No it was never me....It was always you. You were the broken one, so how could you love wholly? It never was me.... It was always you. You wanted more and you didn't say it, You wanted something you didn't know how to receive. You wanted to be loved, and yet didn't know how to receive it. It was never me.... It was always you. 

Now as I sit and relive the memories we shared, I see it now. It was clear from the beginning, you were the broken one, and you needed saving, but am no savior. It was never me....it was always you. All I could have done was love you, and love you I did. I gave you all of my love, but you didn't want it. You didn't know how to receive it so I take back my love and learn to love you from a distance.  Yes am taking it back as I must bid you Adieu Mi amor , because it was never me.... It was always you.

Tanya Love